Can someone please just tell me why am I suddenly so upset? Today was good honestly, I felt pretty happy and I like that. But sometimes like I get damn confused and puzzled, and honestly I hate that. Like I don't like uncertainty and I don't like being unsure, wondering about something.
And I'm getting pretty sick of jokes that involve serious matters. Like really sometimes I can't differentiate from what's true and what's simply a "joke". I can honestly get caught up thinking about it and it will really distract me from my priorities.
I don't know. Right now I'm in the library, just sitting down trying to do math but I'm feeling very disturbed.
One more thing, guys are becoming more and more needy and sensitive and emotional, it makes me so sick. Why should I sugarcoat your heart and feelings when you don't even bother to mind your language towards me?
Crying helps you know? I used to cry alot last year. I would like cry 2 times a week (every single week). Honestly I can't rmb what that feels like. I was upset and sad all the time but I didn't feel any kind of frustration you know?
I've been crying alot less this year. Somehow it just feels like everytime I cry, I'm succumbing to weakness and I hate being weak. I see myself as a very strong and independent girl. Crying makes me feel too vulnerable and too...idk human. I'm not saying that I wanna be a total robot, but it's more like a "I don't wanna be just like every other emotional girl" kind of thing. Which is extremely ironic becuz I am very emotionally needy. I have high expectations of treatment by others and most of the time I get disappointed and hence go crazy.
Being crazy is subjective too I guess. I always tell people I'm going crazy. But the real type of crazy is when you bottle all your emotions altogether such that you can't even find the right words to describe the "craziness" that you feel. You only know that you don't feel okay but you just can't describe how you actually feel. You feel yourself getting frustrated at all the little things, and you feel yourself becoming angry and aggressive at the slightest things. You feel yourself constantly feeling unhappy and distracted by your own self.
It feels weird now being with myself. I'm actually the type to love myself and feel contented with who I am, but right now, I don't know. I don't want to be with myself. I dont want to know who I've become.
Crying really helps. It's pretty healthy. I don't know if I can cry anymore. I want to cry so bad, but there's just sth inside me stopping those tears.
God please give me strength and guidance. Please bless me x
I know you’ve been hurt by someone else I can tell by the way you carry yourself If you let me, here’s what I’ll do I’ll take care of you I’ve loved and I’ve lost I’ve asked about you and they’ve told me things But my mind didn’t change, I still the feel the same xxx
That song has been on repeat. I listen to it like all the time omg I love it srsly. I've had a pretty good weekend :) sigh Monday......... I can't afford to slack anymore omg. NEXT WEEK'S GNA BE GOOOOOOD. GOOD FRIDAY AND SA FEST AWWW YEAH. Looking forward to meet my bbg Emi :)
Guys I'm a loser ok I haven't watched Hunger Games........stupid Darren wants to study forever so my plan to watch w him and Kitty is cancelled. Sian ji pua.
I'm a fat ass. I hate being a fat ass. I feel gross. Ew.
K some pictures and then I'm off to hang ma laundry and then Skype w Efi :) OH OH OH SKYPING W SANDRA TMR LIKE YESSSSS FINALLY
At the library now. Tryna get some chem done, but I'm extremely distracted by my own thoughts. In my head, I have so many things that I wanna say, that I wanna do, that I just want to express. But I can't. I don't know if it's cuz I can't find the proper words to articulate them, if I'm too afraid to or if I'm simply turning into someone who hides her real self from everyone else. I don't know. There's like this veil I'm wearing, and it's getting harder and harder each day to feel like myself again.
Am I writing rubbish? I don't know rly, I'm just writing whatever that comes to mind and I'm prolly gonna judge myself later when I reread this post.
I contradict myself alot you know? I'm always tryna be about "self-happiness" and "self-belief" and "self-dependency" when I'm actually searching for people I can be with that can keep me happy. I don't depend on them for happiness, but it's like...I just attach myself to them. And only them. It's very frustrating. And at the same time, I want people to find happiness in me.
What am I doing really?
Sometimes (most of the time) I feel like I need to bury myself into a deep deep hole. Just to see what it's like to be with myself. It just feels like I've completely lost myself you know?
I can't even explain how much heart pain I'm actually feeling okay. Fuck. So I was supposed to take Efi out today cuz it's like her birthday, Ugh but my mom went all psycho so I had to freaking cancel the plan.
I feel like shit. Okay? Do you know how much thought I actually put into this day? Do you know how excited I was to finally spend time with her cuz we only managed to lunch last week? Do you know how much I wanted to cheer her up and make her feel better?
Do you know how shitty it is to know that she's going through so much and theres nothing that I can do about it? I hate being a bad friend okay?
